ilang beses kong pinaulit ulit
sinabi ng sinabi
mahal kita mahal kita
aalagaan kita..
nagcocomputer ako.. nanunuod ng movie sa crunchyroll nang bigla kong narinig na nagiingay si nana. kinabahan ako kasi alam kong... malapit na. tinignan ko siya at nakita ko na naghihingalo na siya. tinawag ko ng malakas yung pangalan niya "Nana! Nana! Nana!! kaya pa yan nana..." pero derederetso lang siya.. hinawakan ko yung kamay niya at kinapit niya yung kuko niya sa daliri ko. alam ko na,, eto na.. dali dali akong bumaba sa hagdan at tinawag si manang.. "ate.. si nana... nahihirapan na huminga.." tinignan ko si nana.,. pilit ko siyang tinitignan sa mata niya.. at paulit ulit kong siniigaw ang pangalan niya.. "nana.... nana..." nakakunot ang nuo niya... nakamulat ng husto yung mata niya. in less than 3 seconds... nawala na yung kunot ng muka niya.. lumiit yung mata niya... inulit kong sabihin yung pangalan niya.. "nana... paalam nana..." kumuha ako ng dyaryo sa lamesa at tinakpan siya.. since 1am ngayon ng umaga.. bukas nalang namin siya ililibing sa garden. sa mga kaibigan ko.. alam nila ang hilig ko sa mga hayop.. mahal na mahal ko ang mga animals.. mapa askal pa yan o pusakal... nilalapitan ko. may galis man o madumi.. hinahawakan ko.si nana, blessing siya sakin. dumating siya kinabukasan nung mamatay yung isa kong pusa na si chibi. sinalo niya pagkamatay ni chibi. sinalo niya ang kalungkutan ko non..nana.. nasaan ka man na ngayon.. mahal na mahal kita.. im sorry.. nana banana!  ngayon nagsusulat ako sa multiply.. habang nagpapatugtog.. medyo malakas ang speaker ko.. hininaan ko dahil iniisip ko baka magising si nana.. nakalimutan ko, wala na nga pala siya. I LOVE YOU NANA BANANA! I LOVE YOU! ILL MISS YOU! im so sad.. wala na akong katabi matulog. wala na akong room mate.para sa mga taong nagcheer up sakin sa sitwasyon ni nana.. si julius, via, alex, bokyo, manang, vena.. salamat.. maraming salamat.,, ngayon tapos na ang paghihirap ni nana.
R.I.P.
Banana "nana" Carlos
July 28, 2008
12:55 am
How can I stop the time? Looking at the clock, I see that time is running out. by YOU reading this, you already lost 10-20 seconds of your life. and that 20 seconds... it is something you can never take back.
In no relation to my introduction.... This past few weeks, I am really pissed off... the worst part is, I am pissing MYSELF off.
So as I recall... this few weeks behind me was so clear that i started thinking about nonsense things that i've never thought abt before.
it stirred out a lot of my emotions, for one I feel invisible.. people treat me invisible.. Don't they understand that this time is a crucial time for me. I don't need people who makes me feel like a nobody. call me EMO or what... I DON'T CARE. We all need to be loved! I need to feel loved. I need to feel that people DO care for me, maybe in a humor sense of way.. i dont care what way they make me feel it.
WHY?? why?? you ask me why i am being like this? i'll tell you a little secret of mine.. I AM an unwanted child.. You say whatever? I say, Ever since I was young, People throw me out of their lives as if I was just a garbage. That's the less detailed version of the story of my life. do you know how that feels..? I know you don't.. unless you've suffered so much that you're now so numb that you don't even have feelings of happiness in your life. I'm invisible at school.. I'm invisible at home...
argh! FORGET IT!!
 | INVICTUS | Jul 18, '08 9:22 AM
for everyone |
Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of Circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of Chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find me, unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. by William Ernest Henley
i am so lost! ano ba? what do i have to do?
they said kailangan na i-euthanasia ng cat ko.
she's sick and wala nang cure.
what do i do?
i dont want nana to die but everyday that i see nana,
i feel so hurt kasi she is in pain and she is very weak na.
they said it's up to me..
but kung ako lang talaga..
i'll use every money i have just to treat her
pero mukang wala na talaga.
i am praying for a miracle now!!
she's just like my babay..
i feed her everyday,
kiss her forhead everynight,
rub her till she falls asleep on my lap,
say i love you nana every chance i get,
talk to her at times i have problems
sing her songs...
argh!!
ayoko mamatay si nana,,,
pero nasasaktan ako na araw araw
nakikita ko siya na nasasaktan.
you? what do you think?
I want to save her life...
but by saving her life means i have to let her sleep na?
GOD!! PLEASE?? I NEED A MIRACLE FOR MY POOR KITTY!
naaalala niya lang ako pag may kailangan siya or kapag may problema siya o kung malungkot siya okay lang naman.. masaya naman ako na tinutulungan ko siiya.. naisip ko tuloy.. im NEVER the girlfriend type.. im ALWAYS and ALWAYS WILL BE just the bestfriend type. but it's okay. just fall on me. i got your back  !
lagi nalang silang magkekwentuhan about work. yes, I am happy for them because what i've been hearing are nice stories naman.. but it makes me feel pressured! as in super pressure whenever i hear them kwento. We all work sa same company with the same positions. the problem is just that I am still studying pa... and advertising is a heavy course. ang dami kong ginagawa so di ko matutukan yung work na assigned saakin. and mas nakakaasar pa, whenever na may problem with other branches regarding sa stocks and products and expiration dates, branch ko yung madalas nasisisi. yes, they are at fault pero i feel bad kasi ako ang in charge sakanila. and even though i know naman na you don't intend to blame me, i feel.. well... blamed.
cuz and insy, graduate na kayo.. ako nagaaral pa, UST pa, SALINGGAWI pa, advertising... my classes are up to 8pm. I am glad na maganda nangyayare sa branch niyo,,, but PLEASE hindi naman siguro laging wrhse ang may kasalanan. Madami akong plates.. buti kayo yan lang iniisip niyo.. and some works na inaapplyan.. ako hindi eh! ngayon ngayon na lang ako napepressure after hearing your stories and reklamos.. ayoko na makarinig ng ganyan because i am pressured enough as it is. i have school to worry about, my plates.. i have salinggawi to worry about. ayoko nabibigyan pa ako ng worries ng work. tama nang sa Salinggawi nalang ang source ko ng pressure! wag na sana umextra ang work coz di ko na kaya. I really want to quit kung pwede lang.. dont get me wrong. I am happy for you guys that you are doing well... yun nga lang.. sobra sobra sobra na yung pressure! i know you dont intend to make me feel pressured pero.. it's just how i feel.
kung pwede lang.. ill do the employees id, tarpaulin, and logo designs pero ayoko na maghandle ng bigatin na trabaho. sa inyo nalang... it will be less burden for me. hindi ko na kaya! Potek!!!
 eto nanaman ako.. paulit ulit kong pinapatugtog yung "Little Wonders by Rob Thomas" at namamaga na ang mata ko sa kaiiyak.paano ko ba bubuhayin ang patay? kung pwede lang sana..."Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder, don't you know, the hardest part is over..."sabi nila kapag daw namatay ka na, makakalimutan mo daw lahat ng nangyari sayo dito sa earth pati lahat ng mga nakilala mo, mabubura. well, ewan ko lang kasi hindi pa naman ako patay. ano ba namang malay ko? pero kung totoo nga yun.. wag naman sana. kasi ayoko yata na makaliutan ako ni bitbit.isa pang sabi nila, ang mga hayop daw walang kaluluwa. pag namatay daw sila, tapos na ang existence nila. well, isa pang malay ko! hindi naman ako hayop,. pero ako? di ako naniniwala! sa mga aso at pusa at ibon at kung ano pa mang hayop na minahal ko, alam ko may kaluluwa sila para makaramdam. patay na si bitbit.. kanina lang umaga. june 23, 2008. para sa mga nakakakilala sakaniya.. gusto ko lang iparating sainyo. hindi ako okay. hindi talaga. nagiisip ako, naalagaan ko ba siya ng maayos? sa loob ng sampong taon na nakasama ko siya, naramdaman kaya niya na mahal na mahal ko siya? kahit ba aso siya, pagtawanan mo na ako o ano, wala akong pakielam sa iisipin mo! kasi para sakin, si bitbit, higit pa siya sa ibang mga tao na kilala ko. si bitbit, di siya nagtatanim ng galit, nakikinig siya sakin pag may problema ako, kapag tatawagin ko siya nandiyan siya, hindi niya ako iniwan ni minsan, minsan pakiramdam ko naiintindihan niya yung mga sinasabi ko. sinasalubong niya ako pag uuwi ako. dinadambahan niya ako para ipaalam sakin na masaya siya na nakita niya ako. umiiyak siya pag tinatali siya o kapag nakakulong kasi gusto niya kasama din namin siya dito sa loob ng bahay. selosa siya. kapag napapansin niya na mas pinapansin ko si papach at si shadow at si nana kesa sakaniya, nagseselos siya. pinoprotektahan niya yung bahay namin. kumakahol siya kapag may pumapasok na di niya kilala para ipaalam saamin na baka may magnanakaw o kung sino man. kinakagat niya yung mga taong kinukuha siya na hindi niya kilala. kami lang ang kilala niyang pamilya. pero ngayon wala na siya... "let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you let it shine until you feel it all around you and i don't mind if it's me you need to turn to we'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end our lives are made in these small hours these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain all of my regret will wash away some how but i can not forget the way i feel right now"kung nasaan man si brit ngayon, sana alam niya kung gaano ko siya kamahal. may times na nagkulang ako ng pagaalaga sakaniya pero sa sampong taon na nakasama ko siya, sana naramdaman niya. sana nakita niya na masaya ako na naging part siya ng buhay ko. simula ng 10 yrs old ako.. hangang ngayon. para dun sa mga tao na pinangiti ako.. Jorge a.k.a. Bokyo, Kai, Insy, Cuz.. maraming salamat. sa nagcondolence sila Julius, Psalm, Emran, Insy, Cuz, Bokyo, Kai. Chris and Mommy. salamat sainyo.siguro mamaya okay na ako.. siguro bukas di na ako ganito. baka maya maya ng konti, titigil din ang luha ko.. baka sakaling maubos din. baka.. sana... R.I.P. Brit Carlos
1998-2008
forever in my heart
| 4:20am | Jun 17, '08 4:20 PM
for everyone |
why is my heart in so much pain?
every beat hurts.
every second is like murder.
maybe later it will beat just the same.
or maybe later, i'll be dead.
can you see my tears
behind my smile?
it's rushing in my face
in the trace of every laughter.
| 3:15am | Jun 17, '08 3:15 PM
for everyone |
where can i find this so called happiness?
i thought i can buy it from the store but it wasn't for sale.
i thought i can get it from the internet but it wasn't there also.
i thought maybe it's inside my wallet but it was just full of plastic cards.
i finally found out where it is,
it was in the pictures that i had taken with my friends.
it was in the music inspired artists wrote
it was in my mom
it was in my friends
i found it... but i couldn't have it.
 i hate this! My cat just died and i feel like im the saddest person in the world right now.
how can God take away Chibi? my chibi! I'm sorry I wasn't able to take good care of you enough. I'm sorry... I love you Chibi wherever you are. i love you sooo sooo sooo much!
 everyday of this life i laugh at the slightest things. making my classmates and family think that i am a very happy, optimistic and shallow person. that i can laugh at the lightest situations. but everyday i find it hard. i find it hard to live my life. every single day. and the truth is, this tears are just behind my eyes and im just preventing it not to fall. it's all part of my training that i call "way to numbness".
I dont want people to see me cry. I dont want them to think that im weak. I want them to see me as this happy outgoing person that doesn't need help from others. though deep inside i feel like a deprived person. deprived of reason. I need to know that at this time and age, people can still be happy and content with their lives. i need a proof that someone exists out there and he or she lives his or her life in the way that is impossible.
akala ko mga taong may sakit at mga matatanda lang ang namamatay. kanina ko lang naisip na pwede pala siya mangyari kahit kanino. kanina ko lang naisip na kahit sa sanggol pwede ito mangyari. kanina lang tumatak sa utak ko na kahit sino saatin sa anumang oras ay pwedeng mamatay ng basta basta ganon lang. walang warning. walang sign. isang segundo lang pwedeng wala na. natakot ako bigla na baka mangyari saakin yun o sa kung sino mang malapit saakin. natakot ako na baka hindi ko pa nasasabi sakanila lahat ng gusto ko sabihin tapos maging huli na ang lahat. natatakot ako. maaaring sa isang iglap lang mabura tayo sa mundo. ayoko mangyari yun. naisip ko tuloy bigla lahat ng tao na binabalewala ko. ayoko dumating ang isang araw na pagsisisihan ko ang di pagpansin sakanila. ang pagbalewala sakanila. para sa lahat ng kakilala ko, hindi man tayo close, galit ka man sakin, mga kaibigan ko, pamilya ko at yung mga nakakasalubong ko sa araw araw ng buhay ko, gusto kong malaman mo na mahal na mahal ko kayo at hindi siguro ako ganito ngayon kung hindi dahil sainyo. para kay Jedida Zara T. Divino. hindi man kami ganon ka close pero nainspire ako magsulat. naalala ko tuloy ang aking high school days sa holy family school, naalala ko bigla yung ngiti mo, kasalukuyang nagpplay sa utak ko ang boses mo, naalala ko din na madalas kita nakakasalubong sa ust.......... pero hindi man lang kita pinapansin. pasensya na. kung nasaan ka man ngayon, alam kong masaya ka na. magiingat ka diyan. mahal ka namin.
I feel like writing today. I waved my classmates goodbye inside room 704. Pushed the door and walked out. Pressing the down button of the elevator, feeling confused, happy, worried, nostalgic and melancholic. I can't seem to find my comfort zone. It's been missing since I went back from Vigan. This past few days, my mind's been floating in the air and my hearts been pounding like a drum. It's been a while since I've felt this way. I was about to enter LRT2 Legarda station when it started to rain. Feeling the strong wind against my skin thinking, "am I jealous? YES! am I hurt? YES!" Of course! Why didn't I notice it?? I'm falling! Or maybe I already fell. I fell into this big trap that is triggering this schizophrenia of mine! EErrrrr! TO BE CONTINUED....
My Dearest Insy, "Here's my promise made tonight, you can count on me for life, coz that's when i love you, when nothig you do can change my mind." -Aslyn How To Deal OST As the song goes, you are my dear cousin, my bestfriend and my sister. Me and Cuz will accept you no matter what. That's the point of loving right? Accepting and caring. I understand that life is hard and is sometimes unfair, but we have to get up. We have to keep on moving, you know that diba? And when you stand, you don't have to stand alone and endure the pain alone. We're here for you because we love you.  We're ViTheXis eh! It's just life. Try to open up to it. You have nothing to lose dear. Embrace it because this is what we have. It makes me sad that sometimes you lie to us and we know it. You are not a very good lier.  I'm sorry if I'm acting like I dont care at all whenever you talk, but I do care. It's just that I don't want to make the atmosphere more depressing. I want to cheer you up that's why we TRIED to kidnap you and bring you to Antipolo right? Though we ended up in starbucks instead. hehehe. You know, Cuz is right. Accepting will make you feel better. Think of this as God's challenge to you that you have to face and when you need back up, call me. Call me, alex and matiks. What are we here for but your bestest friends right? We will help you with whatever you need. Because you did the same for us. Insy, mahal na mahal kita. just remember that. You have a friend in me. You have a family in me. We've known each other our whole lives. Don't worry about things too much. Don't make life too difficult for you (look who's talking?!). If you want to cry, then cry it out. You can cry on my shoulder (basta walang sipon ha? hehe) if you want to. If you feel that things are becoming a burden, don't carry it alone. Ano ka ba? Don't act so strong. It's okay to be weak sometimes. (Gosh, my eyes are teary na) Take off that mask and show us how beautiful you really are. Stop lying na. Don't you feel bad lying to others? Basta insy, nandito lang ako ah? wag ka magaalala, ganyan talaga eh. may times na mahirap ang life pero im sure you'll make it through. sorry kung redundant na ako. gusto ko lang sabihin sayo yung mga bagay na di ko masabi whenever we talk. alam mo naman di ako showy ng emotions masyado. basta insy, mahal na mahal na mahal ka namin ni cuz (ewan ko lang si matix! yiheee^_^ ). intindihin mo yung mga sinabi ko and isipin mong mabuti okay? I'll pray for you always. (if you wanna cry, ilabas mo lang) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH INSY. ViTheXis Rule!!
I'm Sorry you know who you are. I'm sorry for causing you pain and hurting you. I'm sorry for chasing you down Katipunan Avenue. I'm sorry for not letting you play your games. I'm sorry for hitting you that red cartolina. I'm sorry for not letting you watch your anime. I'm sorry for leaving when you told me to stay. I'm sorry for teasing you and punching your face. I'm sorry for making you feel out of place. I'm sorry for eating all your french fries. I'm sorry for not being so sweet and nice. I'm sorry for telling you you lack of height. I'm sorry for all the tears and the fights. I'm sorry for teasing your hair of curls. I'm sorry for not being your right girl. I'm sorry for not giving back your DVD. I'm sorry because I didn't see. Im sorry for being late at our date. I'm sorry if I didn't appreciate. Im sorry for throwing tissue at you. I'm sorry for yelling when I had a flu. I'm sorry for biting your index finger. I'm sorry coz everything still lingers. I'm sorry for holding your hand in public. I'm sorry for acting like a lunatic. I'm sorry for imitating the clothes that you wear. I'm sorry for not showing how much I care. I'm sorry for the times I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry for I wasn't being honest with you. I'm sorry for making you sad and cry. I'm sorry for the things I've said that are lies. I'm sorry if I was being way out of line. I'm sorry for still acting that you are mine. I'm sorry for being to much demanding. I'm sorry for all the drama and the shoutings. I'm sorry for spilling you water that time. I'm sorry that even my sorrys have rhymes. I'm sorry for all the things that I've said. I'm sorry for still loving the color red. I'm sorry for nagging you and making you wait. I'm sorry for nagging you and making you wait. I'm sorry for making you stay up so late. I'm sorry for calling you in the middle of the night. I'm sorry for I know I don't have the right. I'm sorry for letting you kiss me that day. I'm sorry that we didn't even stayed that way. I'm sorry for being loud and aggressive. I'm sorry if I was a bit sensitive. I'm sorry for being over acting. I'm sorry for texting you and disturbing. I'm sorry for sitting on your lap. I'm sorry if I didn't know where to stop. I'm sorry if I think of you everyday. I'm sorry if you hate that I'm acting this way. I'm sorry for pretending that I was cold. I'm sorry that you had to lend me your coat. I'm sorry for not understanding how you feel. I'm sorry if we didn't keep it real. I'm sorry for not being too perfect. I'm sorry if I had a bad effect. I'm sorry for making you carry me. I'm sorry for still not setting you free. I'm sorry for writing poems about you. I'm sorry but I just can't get over you. I'm sorry for all I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry if I fall I'm sorry for loving. original work of the author. please don't copy. Ianthe Monica De OcampoÜ
i woke up today at around 6:30am. our flight is at 12:30pm and we are about to leave in an hour. i went to my room, checked my luggage for the last time and got ready. i ate my breakfast and right after, i decided to play with my dog pacheek and ran around our compound while waiting for others to get ready. kuya jhonny carried our luggages to the starex and off we went to the airport at exactly 7:51am. we arrived at the airport 9:00am because it was traffic. we were told that the check in time for our flight is not until 10am, so while waiting, my mom and i bought sandwiches and mineral water for we felt hungry. Then, 10am, we checked in our bags, paid the terminal fee and searched for gate 7. we went inside gate 7 and saw tiya cory with tiyo ed already seated. i forgot to mention, all of us travelling are 8, me, my mom, 2 aunts, 2 cousins, 1 nephew, and my uncle. so, while inside gate 7, all of the old generation (my aunts, uncle and my mom) were talking about politics for it is still the election season. (oh God! im so fed up with politics! if i hear politics again, im gonna puke!) it is already 12:10 when they called for boarding. we entered the plane and at 12:40, we flew to Hong Kong(connecting flight). at the plane they served tuna and cheese sandwich with fruits as desert and juice or soda. it was just a 1 1/2 hour flight. we arrived in Hong Kong International Airport and stayed there for 2 hours. while at the HKIA, ate tep, kuya chris, jakob and i walked and strolled but we realized that there is nothing to see so we went back to the bench where the rest of our family are seated. 4:10, we went to the departure floor gate 33. our flight is not until 4:45 so i went to the cafe near starbucks and bought 2 butchis that costs $1.50 each. i went back to gate 33 and it's already boarding. we left Hong Kong at 4:58pm. its a 4 hour flight so they served dinner in the plane. after dinner, i got so bored so i decided to watch "because i said so", a movie starring dianne keaton, mandy moore, piper perabo and... i dont know the name of the other girl. we arrived at the China international Airport around 8:30-9:00pm and the sun just set, can you imagine? its 9pm and the sky looks like somewhat 6:30pm sky in the philippines. okay, so the Amazing tours picked us up at the CIA and off we went to our hotel wich is the :GRand Mercure Hotel Beijing. we checked in, played with jakob, took some pictures and went to the room and rest. i ordered Chak Tway Teow at the room service for i was very hungry and it was already 12:30am. after that, we closed our eyes and fell into a deep sleep. tomorrow will be a new day!Ü
this song gives me the feeling of sadness and at the same time happiness. i love this song. it is my current favorite song and the first time i heard it, i thought of my childhood memories. i dont know why? thank you for howie day. Ü
HOWIE DAY LYRICS
"Collide"
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
i really love this song.. try to dowload it if you still dont have this song in your playlist.
Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why you calling me so late?
why do i keep on holding on to someone when i know that he's not worth holding on to?
it frustrates me and it makes me angry when i know conciously that this someone is a big
asshole, bastard jerk but then subconciously i ignore it and deny everything. so, do i really
want this? being stood up? being ignored? being left behind? of course NOT! but why do i
still cling on to this someone? how do i stop holding on and really let go? HOW? seriously?
if i have known the answer, then maybe.. my life will be much better now.
| |
this is too much! i love him soo
haaayyyy... he's fixin my broken